Leaving intimate partner violence? Here’s how.
Sally was in an abusive relationship with her partner for over 7 years. The experience changed her life forever. Since leaving, Sally has never looked back. She shares her practical advice on how to make a clean getaway.
Leaving intimate partner violence? Here’s how!
“Why don’t you just leave”?
It’s a cringe worthy question from the well-intentioned and too often ill-informed.
It’s not that easy to leave a violent intimate partner relationship. Sally (not her real name) tried and tried.
Leaving can be lethal. Fifty-four Australian women have lost their lives to domestic violence so far this year.
Failed escape attempts can make your life a whole lot more frightening than it already was. Estimates from the United States suggest that it takes around seven attempts to leave a violent partner for good. It’s much easier if you have access to money.
If you are planning to leave, start by squirreling away any spare money. Having some money will help to kick start your new life. It can fund some of the support and counselling you’ll likely need so that you can put the past behind you. Use it in the lead up to your departure to hire a storage unit that you can slowly fill with your belongings.
Money won’t buy you peace and freedom from fear of your abuser. It won’t release you from the trepidation of making that life changing move to leave. Rather, you’ll need loads of courage to recover, to become acquainted with your self-worth and to restore your confidence. You’ll need faith that you can achieve a meaningful life beyond putting up with more violence.
Crucially, you’ll need an unswerving commitment to create the life you deserve; a new life that offers safety, love and respect.
These are Sally’s top tips for planning and executing a successful escape from intimate partner violence:
Be 100 per cent sure that your decision to leave is what you really want. Be clear about the benefits of leaving. What reservations do you hold? Be honest with yourself.
It may be all downside if you leave half-heartedly, perhaps hopeful that your ex will find you and sobbingly declare their undying love for you. They may vow to never slap you around again or plead that they can’t live without you. You might not know if yet, but you can live without them.
Figure out what information, support, counselling, or other assistance you need to leave. Visit the 1800RESPECT website to organize a confidential chat. Remember delete your browser history from your devices.
Before you leave, organize your accommodation. Find a safe place where you can relax and don’t jump every time a possum hisses.
Avoid seeking shelter with, or confiding in anyone who knows your ex. You must be able to trust the people around you. Sally’s experience of being followed to what she thought was a safe place resulted in injurious pay back.
Be sure that you can quickly gather your children, pets, clothes, money, valuables, photos and legal documents. Store copies of your vital information securely online.
Secure My Treasures, www.securemytreasures.com offers secure digital storage of your vital information. Create a chest to store diaries, photographs (including your pics of your valuables), copies of identification and legal documents, your “to do” list for your new life, contact details for support organisations, health professionals and financial counsellors, information for police etc. You can also authorise up three people you trust implicitly to access the information in your chest if you go “missing” or are unable.
Keep one bag of essentials packed ready for an emergency escape. Stash your bag somewhere that it won’t be found. Think about how your abuser searches for lost items. Are there places that they never look?
You must be able to pick your one bag up easily, quickly, and quietly. Pack only absolute essentials unless you have arranged to circumnavigate the globe on a P&O cruise for the foreseeable future.
Resist buying anything on credit that flags that you might be about to leave. The purchase may appear on your bank statement and be spotted by your abuser.
Find a safe address to redirect any mail, like to a post office box in a suburb you never frequent.
If you are able, work on your fitness. You may need to run with your one full bag.
Be confident that you can leave without being caught. You must behave as if everything is normal so as not to arouse suspicion.
Before you leave, plan the timing and your escape route. When will you go? When your abuser is out? At work? Asleep?
Resist any temptation to leave a note for your about to be ex.
Check for obstacles that may impede your departure if your abuser is in the house. What could trip you up? Are there any creaking floorboards, squeaky doors, or noisy pets?
If someone is helping you to escape, suggest that they wait inconspicuously inside their car in an agreed location and with their vehicle out of view of the address you are leaving.
Turn your mobile phone off. Block your number from your ex, their family, and friends.
Who knows your plans? Even your closest friends may inadvertently spill your whereabouts to an ex who could be on the trail to track you down. Be careful.
Stay away from social media. Don’t touch that stuff. It could be the difference between a great new life and not much of a life, if any.
Once you are out, keep your head down. If you are working, arrange with your boss to work from your safe place.
Eventually, you’ll find yourself living between two worlds, your past, and an exciting new future. You are worth more than the life you knew. Get the healthcare and support you need and go for it. Best of luck!
Resources
If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
1800RESPECT. 24-hour national sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line for any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault. https://www.1800respect.org.au/ (Accessed 27 August 2024)
Author. “Sally”, available for interviews and presentations. Contact us at info@securemytreasures.com
